Cue the, “Whoops, another few months of blog abandonment” confession.
I could feel this post coming, creeping under the surface these past few weeks, but I wasn’t sure what it would culminate into. Still not sure, but it feels good to get some words flowing beneath my fingers.
What can I say about 2014 thus far?
Honestly, I felt like it began a bit of a letdown. 2013 was this grand adventure where I wasn’t sure what anything would really bring. Each day was meeting a different person, trying some new thing, not sure how all the experiences would play into the long term. I was wandering aimlessly into it all, with zero expectation or weight on any of it. I just wanted to live and be and let life mold me into whatever it wanted.
January marked my one year in Denver, bringing with it the acknowledgment of the life I had created. I had routines, I had “my people” here, I had drives to long distances across the state that required no actual directions, I had the makings of a permanent life in Denver (still do). That feeling of each morning bringing something unexpected had faded a bit. I was a little restless, very settled and it was a wee bit uncomfortable for the fearless wanderer of the past year to accept.
But now, as it is somehow already June 2nd, and I look around my room that is only my room for a few more short weeks before the next Colorado humble abode gets added to the list, and think about the fact that I have memories here of my life a year ago, I am so at peace in this life I’ve established.
Being home in St. Pete last weekend was the absolute best, and was really my first visit back where I was relaxed and felt entirely content by the end. It was ideal.
Was it hard to leave? Of course. I still have this perfect crew of people who make me feel so very loved when I go back and overwhelm my heart during the time that I spend with them. But I’m always ready to come back to Colorado, and get back into my life here, and I think that speaks wonders. This move has always been the right decision.
Mind you, it doesn’t get easier, this whole growing up thing. No one promised it ever would, so I’m not sure why I ever expect it to? There have been a handful of moments these past few months where I’ve looked back and thought to myself, “That was a grown up decision,” which shouldn’t seem so surprising at 25, but still is.
To put it bluntly, being a grown up can really suck.
There’s the relationship side of watching people change, you changing (for good and for bad), growing apart, missing people, removing people from your life, realizing you don’t really know someone anymore…it’s a hard pill to swallow. I think it’s especially difficult as you watch friends settle into their lives of marriage and kids and puppies and moves, and realizing certain people just aren’t going to be a part of your experiences, and you’re not going to be a part of theirs. And in today’s social media driven world, you’ll still know about their lives, you just won’t be an active participant; which makes it all a little more bittersweet.
Then there’s the whole wondering if you’ll ever not need your parents. With each passing day, it’s starting to look less and less likely. I also don’t understand how they ever spent the amount of money they did on my childhood (and heck, sometimes on my adulthood) without feeding me ramen and pb-and-j’s for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Those are my staples now, and I’m very okay with it, but I cannot even fathom the concept of having to care for another human financially, amongst other ways. I was already three when my mom was my age. Mindblowing. Luckily I have this amazing set of humans who truly care for me unconditionally and are still happy to be my parents and have me call them multiple times a day, declare my life in shambles a few times a week and help me to see them and cherish time with them every few months. Hashtag #blessed on this little paragraph, because I am. So, so blessed.
And then, all those other elements of life that come into the mix and make you feel like you really don’t know what you’re doing some days. But the older I’ve gotten, and this is bound to sound super cheesy, so my apologies; the older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve realized that none of us have it figured out. No one can predict what’s going to come next, how someone is going to act tomorrow, what decision will or won’t be made that will affect your life. It’s all out of our control, and it’s kind of wonderful, because we’re all in this thing together…like it or not.